Paleo Ruins Woman Life!

I guess Paleo isn’t for everyone…

The article below had be laughing out loud.

If you’ve tried or even currently eat ‘Paleo’ I’m sure you’ll recognize some of the emotions.

Scratch the above, you don’t need to know anything about the Paleo diet to enjoy the article…


Recently, I went pseudo Paleo.

I say pseudo, because, like most things in my life, I’ve jumped in headfirst without putting any thought or research into it (this is also how I ended up taking a workout class called “Insanity.” Afterwards, I was drooling and delirious. So I guess it delivered).

As far as I can tell, Paleo is based off of the premise that humanoids were never sexier or healthier than when they were cavemen. Even though they had no birth control or Penicillin or dental floss, and everyone was probably covered in lice, they were super cut and sexy and that’s a lifestyle to which we should aspire.

Apparently with Paleo, you need to eat a lot of protein, in the form of meat, seafood, and eggs. Plus a ton of veggies. A crazy quantity. Like, “the neighbors will start asking if you are in trouble with the local CSA-mob” number of veggies. “You might be having an affair with the guy from the farmer’s market” quantity of veggies.

In some respects, it’s worked: being Paleo has killed my will to live, so I’m too sad to snack. My abs look pretty damn good, but I suspect that’s from all the nights I spend wracked with sobs because I can’t eat anything fun. I would take a selfie to show you, but this isn’t Facebook and I’m not your misguided teenage niece.

To give you an idea of the waking nightmare that is my life, I’d like to walk you through today’s Paleo abomination, in which I endeavored to make something called “carrot cake cookies” – a name which is at best a misnomer, and at worst a cruel mockery. The recipe describes them as “savory cookies” which is something that, if your blood sugar is low enough, you can almost pretend is a real thing.

Carrot Cake Cookies (a.k.a., Pucks of Suffering)


  • Carrots
  • The salt of your own tears
  • Nuts or something
  • Ennui
  • You know what? It doesn’t matter what I list here. You should not make these.

If you want to go Paleo, you’ll probably need a food processor, which doesn’t really make sense, because cavemen didn’t even have pants, so they obviously didn’t have food processors or ovens or organic coconut oil. Take your ingredients, none of which are even remotely cookie-like, and grind them in the food processor until they resemble cat vomit.

The cookies look exactly the same before they are digested as after. They are eternal and unchanging. As time passes, they don’t decline in quality or taste because they can’t. They’ve already started out at theoretical zero on that scale.

I weep as I take a bite. These cookies will outlive me unless I destroy them…



Complete article here

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